1. 1.PAIRING

   One of the most common.  Form manipulative

   relationships based on self-hate & fear of loss /

   abandonment, trying to escape insecurity in

   the hope of fixing our inner dissatisfaction.

   Use others as objects who will serve this

   purpose (fill our needs), not interacting with

   them as separate beings with their own needs &

   rights & life path. In this kind of pairing we live

   in anxiety, constantly on guard to avoid any

   hint of our real self, so the other person

   won’t catch on that they’re been used, & leave.

   The irony is that the manipulator doesn’t think

   they’re toxic - will justify ‘conning’ as the

   best way to form a connection, & then later

   will become emotionally honest. Doesn’t work.



  1. a.Avoid awareness of important toxic aspects

   of a relationship which poison us. We excuse

   bad behavior & try to read minds (to figure out

   why), instead of accepting the obvious.

  1. b.Choose the unavailable - whether it’s a realistic barrier or a mismatch, we often dismiss & ignore clear info that someone is not available to us, to calm our anxiety of not getting our desires. Usually ends in pain or disaster.

  2. c.‘Don’t make waves’ - avoid confronting ongoing toxic patterns in the relationship to prevent being left, or having to end it ourselves


  2. a.Fixing - Try to change things we don’t like in the other, in the guise of wanting to help them to improve themselves - BY cajoling, persuading, criticizing, preaching or making them feel guilty when they want to do things their own way.

  3. b.Questioning - too often ask what’s going on, press for info & explanations: not genuine interest but from our anxiety, fear that not knowing what’s in the other’s head will cause us to lose our connection (need for symbiosis).

   Actually intrusive on their integrity; also

   prevents the other from initiating the

   connection, based on their own need for self-

   expression & contact.  Over time, the other will

   withdraw, verbally, emotionally  & sexually


   Usually criticize in another what we don’t

   accept in ourselves (what we think we ‘should or

   should not’  be) ie: how our family treated us &

   what they taught us as right & wrong.

   We now carry these toxic rules in the form of

   the bad inner voice, and as self-hate, coming

   from our child part. 

  1. a.In ‘helpful’ form - project onto another a  

   positive trait we deny in ourself (ambition,

   creativity) & try to force them to become that,

   insisting that they really want it too.

  1. b.In attack form - one upping each other, putting the other down, trying to score the most points - for being something they’re afraid of in themselves (angry, fearful).  Relating as antagonists leads to both people losing out in the end.



  1. 5.GAMES

  2. a.If one partner is afraid of anger & the other

   is an explosive type, the fearful one will

   compromise their own integrity to avoid an

   outburst. The angry one gets to be top dog, but

   the victim finds ways to undermine the partner

   while seeming to be compliant.

b. Negative social generalizations (cliches: ‘all

   men are pigs, all women are bitches’) are used

   as attacks to mask one’s own weaknesses. It’s

   toxic to criticize another’s sex, politics,

   occupation or race.

  1. c.Greediness - having too high expectations or

   demanding too much of a partner, instead of

   appreciating the nourishment we are getting.

  1. d.Competition - usually involves the needs of one

   that the other is not willing or able to meet. 

   This is totally unacceptable to the other, so

   keep trying to get it by battle or other games.


   Show a basic lack of respect for the integrity

   & needs of others.  Even if they’re outwardly

   in relationships, internally they’re wholly self-

   absorbed, psychologically alone without real

   emotional connection to those they seem to

   care for.  The only way to relate to them is to

   do everything their way - it’s a one-way street.

Toxic Loners

   Often have status & power of a successful

   achiever & seem to ‘just’ have high standards

   of performance, but actually  have a rigid

   attitude about how things have to be done,

   causing problems for every one around them.

    Can do everything well & use talent to make

   others feel inadequate & second-rate.

   Intolerant of differences & inefficiency.

   Tragedy is that the victims of loners may

   truly love & admire them, but the loner can’t

   take that in & enjoy it.

Insisting that age disqualifies them from


  1. b.Evaluating their chances for intimacy on the basis of sexual attractiveness

  2. c.Form conclusions & then predictions based

    on past experience ie. that each past   

    relationship ‘failure’ lessens their future

    chances for happiness or even disallows their

    right to keep trying to find it.


  1. 1.Being loved is the key to happiness. Burdening someone else with the responsibility of filling our inner emptiness is unhealthy & abusive

  2. 2.Waiting for Prince Charming / Princess.  The belief that there’s “a perfect one out there

   for me who will appear at the right time &

   place if it’s meant to be”.  When believing 

   this, we abdicate our responsibility for looking 

   & choosing. Also it implies - if an important

   pairing comes to an end - that’s the end of

   love for the rest of our lives! (Can there be

   more than one Prince/ Princess?)

  1. 3.‘..and they lived happily ever after’. We keep asking why relationships end, without looking

   at our own part, & at the toxic patterns.

INTIMACY ANTIDOTESIntimacy_Antidotes.html

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