In ‘dis-easy’ families, while 

       some rules are useful, many  

       are   ☹ too restrictive

       ☹ crazy-making

       ☹ not do-able, unfair

       ☹ changeable, controlling

       ☹ even cruel & dangerous   

         to our well-being.

      Rules are meant to be obeyed,

      & punishment must follow

      disobedience - of  course!

    But what if the rules are BAD?

         TOXIC Rules must be  

      identified & disobeyed in

      order to have a better life


toxiC  rules  in dysfunctional families

♡  BREAKING FREE of our   
       damage is hard work, 
       painful  & takes time,  
   BUT definitely WORTH IT !


    All of our lives we have obeyed a set of rules we learned

    in our family, even those of us who seemed not to have had

    rules at home!  For the most part they’ve been running our

    lived, often without our awareness or choice.

    Some were said outright, but most we absorbed or intuited

    from the prevailing atmosphere of that household. Some we

    concluded, rightly or not, by the way we were treated.

    Children take in everything around them, spoken or

    unspoken,  indiscriminately.  This is natural. Those were the

    rules that our parents also lived by - at least in heir head.


   One major task is to persistently BREAK

   these damaging family rules which have

   crippled us for so long, until they no longer

   have such power over us.  Obeying bad rules

   harms us - as well as everyone we interact     


   This is difficult & scary because we’re   

   deeply convinced that obeying them will

   finally make our family love & accept us!

   NOT TRUE. Love cannot be earned or bought.

   It is freely given, but only by those who are

   already capable of loving. YOU can’t make

   that happen. A recovery saying:

   “My loving you is none of your business” !

   When we begin to break the TOXIC rules:

  1. a)at first we experience ‘backlash’ - various

    forms of self- punishment for disobeying the

    rules, like getting sick, being depressed,

    sinking into self-hate and most obviously -

    feeling very GUILTY!  Eventually all that

    will subside - if we keep at it.

b) we may also be punished by some family

   members for not going along with ‘the

   program’ - we may get insulted, attacked,

   belittled, ridiculed, ignored, shamed, cut


      ❖   That just proves how unloving &

           abandoning they really are!

  This a form of self-hate: wounded adult-
  children feel unwanted & believe it’s 
  because they are bad,  so if they can be 
  perfect - they’ll finally be loved. (Not!)
> We swings from low self-esteem, to compulsively 
   driving ourself to live up to a superior ideal

> We put excessive demands on self & others

> Constantly look for intense approval from everyone

> Insist on making moral judgements about everything 
   & everyone - all in black or white - no gray areas

> Obsessions keep flooding the brain - especially about  
   some insecurity,  a minor flaw or injustice

> Unsolved problems keep us awake at night. Others 
   can think about it later, but we can’t let go & rest

> Any disorder is considered a mortal sin, so we have 
  to keep everything perfectly neat, clean, organized

> Hidden self-hate inevitably lead to depression

>  We’re terrified of not being in control of self,  
   other people & our whole environment - otherwise 
   fear that our whole world will fall apart, collapse

> We can’t afford to be average, like ‘normal’ people,
    because we associate average with failure

> We’re totally caught up with ourself, only opening up
   (a little) if it will add to our glory / get approval

> We live in extremes - success is a ‘high’, failure 
   causes depression, there’s nothing in between

> We go from one self-created crisis to another, as if  
   we’d be unhappy if things were too peaceful

> We have to have all the answers, & our opinions have 
   to be correct & too perfect to ever be challenged.

✶  EVEN when trying to overcome this pattern, we try 
    to do it perfectly -- we must get rid of all character 
    defects completely & immediately!  Ugh!

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   RULES  -->>NEW_Rules.htmlshapeimage_5_link_0
List of TOXIC RULESThe_Bad_Rules.html

Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists