❦ No matter what I do, I don’t deserve abuse for it!

  ❦ It’s not what I do, it’s who I’m with (that’s causing the problem)

  ❦ Their craziness has nothing to do with me

  ❦ The more rageful and self-destructive I am, the greater my childhood abuse

  If I am  abused as an  adult,   I was an abused child

  ❦ My kid always has a right to be heard, even when he / she is annoying, needy, 

          scared, angry, obsessive, mean, whiney, ...

  ❦ My sole recovery task is to ‘S & I’ (separate & individuate). All else will follow

  ❦ Either I live, or they live (the parents in my head).  I am a separate being

  ❦ The more awake I am in the moment, the better I can take care of myself

  ❦ The message I send is not always the message received. Ask questions

  ❦ Why someone loves me is none of my business. Just accept it

  ❦ My emotions will never kill / harm anyone else, ever. My actions may or may not

  ❦ Most decisions I make are not life & death (even if it feels like it)

  ❦ If I’m having self-destructive thoughts I’m actually angry at someone else

  ❦ Being suicidal is rage at someone who abandons us- “I’ll show them what

     they’ve done to me / I’ll make them suffer”

  ❦ My kid has a right to safety, verification, acknowledgement AND kindness

  ❦ My kid has a damaged part & a healthy part.  I need to honor both

  ❦ My pain is all the proof I need - for what happened to me as a kid

  ❦ I KNOW WHAT I KNOW   (repeat this every day!)

  ❦ I am damaged, not defective

  ❦ I am hurt, not helpless.  Healing, not hopeless!

  ❦ I am not my self-hate. It’s just a belief & feeling I have

  ❦ I can’t trust myself or others as long as I deny what I know/ see / feel / hear

  ❦ I will never be totally without pain, but I can learn to protect myself

  ❦ I can make it without THEM

  ❦ I can take care of myself, & it won’t kill them (only the ‘damage’ kills)

  ❦ I can function even when I’m scared. But it’s ok to ‘fuzz out’ sometimes

  ❦ I don’t have to act on any emotion. Sometimes it’s better to just sit with them

  ❦ I know best how my insides work/ what I need/ how I think ... if I listen to myself

  ❦ I don’t need to keep my life a mess just to prove that they did to me!

  ❦ I need to admit how I much needed / loved them - before I can let go of the family

  ❦ I can tell the bad parent voice : “Thank you for sharing - now SHUT UP!”

TO HEAL the Inner CHild

  ❦ “All (painful) roads lead to...” abandonment - not to self-hate 

  ❦ God /Higher Power is not an alcoholic parent  ( H.P. does not agree with them )

  ❦ Always listen to the kid (I.C.)

  ❦ Extreme loneliness is about not having good parents (now in our head)

  ❦ Deep abandonment pain (not self-hate) heals the kid, & is not devastating

  ❦ A core recovery task is to consciously eliminate self-hating beliefs

  ❦ Getting well is the best revenge!

  ❦ There’s no such thing as inappropriate emotions  (only some thoughts & actions)

RIGHTS - TO & NOT TORights_-_To_%26_Not_To.html

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Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists

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Donna M Torbico  © 1986