EXPLANATION
Whether people mean to or not, they
say stupid, angry, thoughtless,
unhelpful - even mean - things to us
(we do too, sometimes...)
Many ACoAs have no idea how to
respond effectively & appropriately
(from the ‘Healthy Adult’ part of us)
At the time, we feel shock at what
was said (unprepared), so we either:
a) are mute - & maybe later think of
things we could have said, but too late!
b) OR we say something ineffectual,
inane or embarrassing
c) OR we say something nasty, & then
feel bad about ourselves! (& maybe
start a fight!)
Growing up we didn’t have good role
models / teachers to give us words for
self-protection & self-respect! Without
the right ‘Adult’ language we feel weak,
vulnerable, one-down & self-hating.
SO - here are some phrase you can
MEMORIZE, so they are available to
you - even when you’re under stress.
If you practice saying them to yourself
often, they’ll come out automatically
when you need them! Really.
You may think these phases are harsh
or inflammatory - but consider:
a) why are you letting them off the hook?
b) these are ‘Adult’, not ‘angry child’
or ‘bad parent’ phrases
It stops people in their tracks.
They’ll either apologize, re-state or
just back up. AND it feels great!
YEAH!
EFFECTIVE RESPONSES
to Hurtful Comments & Reactions
➣ No I don’t
➣ What’s your point?
➣ Why are you saying it like that ?
➣ What did you just say?
➣ What do you mean?
➣ Why does that bother you?
➣ Now, say something nice
➣ Please rephrase - nicely!
➣ That is / was unacceptable!
➣ So what do you suggest?
➣ Please don’t talk to me like that
➣ That’s not what I was talking about
➣ What does this have to do with you?
➣ That has nothing to do with me
➣ That’s not who I am
➣ Is that what you would do?
➣ How does that help me?
➣ You’re not being clear
➣ Thank you for sharing !
➣ If you say so...
➣ I’m not you !
➣ No you didn’t!
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Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists