Whether people mean to or not, they  

    say stupid, angry, thoughtless,  

    unhelpful - even mean - things to us

    (we do too, sometimes...)

    Many ACoAs have no idea how to

    respond effectivelyappropriately 

    (from the ‘Healthy Adult’ part of us)

    At the time, we feel shock at what

    was said (unprepared),  so we either:

a) are mute - & maybe later think of    

    things we could have said, but too late!

b) OR we say something ineffectual, 

    inane or embarrassing

c) OR we say something nasty, & then 

    feel bad about ourselves! (& maybe       

    start a fight!)

   Growing up we didn’t have good role  

   models / teachers to give us words for

   self-protection & self-respect!  Without

   the right ‘Adult’ language we feel weak,   

   vulnerable, one-down & self-hating.

   SO  - here are some phrase you can  

   MEMORIZE, so they are available to  

   you - even when you’re under stress.

   If you practice saying them to yourself  

   often, they’ll come out automatically  

   when you need them!  Really.

   You may think these phases are harsh  

   or inflammatory - but consider:

a)  why are you letting them off the hook?

b)  these are ‘Adult’,  not ‘angry child’

    or ‘bad parent’ phrases

    It stops people in their tracks.

    They’ll either apologize, re-state or 

    just back up.  AND it feels great! 



to Hurtful Comments & Reactions

   No I don’t

   What’s your point?

   Why are you saying it like that ?

   What did you just say?

   What do you mean?

   Why does that bother you?

   Now, say something nice

   Please rephrase - nicely!

   That is / was unacceptable!

   So what do you suggest?

   Please don’t talk to me like that

   That’s not what I was talking about

   What does this have to do with you?

   That has nothing to do with me

   That’s not who I am

   Is that what you would do?

   How does that help me?

   You’re not being clear

   Thank you for sharing !

   If you say so...

   I’m not you !

   No you didn’t!


   ➣ That’s not acceptable
   ➣ That’s not helpful
   ➣ That’s not what I said
   ➣ That’s not the point
   ➣ That’s unkind
   ➣ That’s hurtful
   ➣ That’s inappropriate
   said WHAT?
 ➣ EXCUSE ME ?    
     (Excuse you!)
   ➣ AND ??
   ➣ DON’T !
   ➣ NO !
   ➣ REALLY ?
   ➣ SO ??
   ➣ WHAT ??
   ➣ WHO ??
   ➣ WHY ?
DEFINITIONS (A - G)Definitions.html

Home  •  SITE MAP  •  About Me  •  ACoA Traits  •  Article  • Books  •  Boundaries  •  Co-Dependence  • Course  •  Decisions  •  Definitions  •  Effective Responses  • Emotions  •  Family Roles  •   Friends  •   Healthy Rules  • Inner Child •  Links  •  Love  •  Recovery  •  Relationships  •  Toxic Rules  •  Trust 


Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists

HEALTHY ANGERHealthy_Anger.html