4 basic Family ROLES for ACoAs

    (ACoAs = Adult-Children of alcoholic, abusive, abandoning, narcissistic families)

   These ROLES are unhealthy, limiting, false-self personae assigned to &

   taken on by each child, in one of several ways: 

   The eldest boy or eldest girl is usually the Hero, who is aligned with the

   non-drinking parent ( if there is one). The next child becomes the

   Scapegoat, identified with the drinker. The Lost Child is mostly ignored

   (3rd wheel) & the Mascot is last, who keeps things light.  If there are

   more children, roles double up.                                                            ➜

❧ HERO

PURPOSE: To keep the family intact, to make 

   everything look normal, to bring esteem to

   the family through their accomplishments,

   to prevent the community from seeing their  

   severe dysfunctionality 

DEFENSES: Too serious, work hard for approval, 

   super responsible, over-achiever, develop

   ‘better’ lifestyle than family, marry an

   alcoholic or other 'problem' type, feels 

   special/ superior, compulsive @  cleaning, 

   gathering info, appearance, career...

DEFICITS:  Perfectionist, unable to relax or

   to follow, can’t listen, unable to play, not    

   spontaneous, inflexible, won’t ask for help,  

   high fear of mistakes, unable to play,

   extreme need to control

EMOTIONS: “I must stay in control of my 

   feelings”. Confusion, loneliness, guilt, hurt,

   deep sense of inadequacy, anger

COST TO SELF: Denial of a wide range of

   emotions, an intense feeling of inadequacy

   (fear of being found out as a ‘fraud’), & an

   over-all sense of failure (mainly for not

   having fixed the family problems).

RECOVERY NEEDS: Learn to ask for & take what 

  you need, to accept ‘failure’ / imperfections

  (occasionally) to relax, just BE

STRENGTHS: Successful, leader, goal oriented,

  organized, decisive, self-disciplined, caring  

  nurturing, thoughtful, attentive

❧ SCAPEGOAT

PURPOSE: To draw attention away from

   the 'problem' parent, to make the family

   problems anything other than the alcoholism,

   to protect the family from any outside 

   interference & prevent change/growth

DEFENSES: Defiance, chemical abuse,

   strong peer value, withdrawal, sullenness,

   acting out -- unwanted pregnancy / trouble

   with the law / suicide attempts, addictions

DEFICITS: Inappropriate use of anger, intrusive

   won’t follow directions, self-destructive, rebel,

   defiant, irresponsible, underachiever, social

   & legal problems at young age

EMOTIONS: “I’m angry about it, whatever it is”. 

   Loneliness, fear, inadequacy, self-hate,

   frustration, hurt, hopelessness

COST TO SELF: Unaware of any emotion other

   than rage, denies self legitimate opportunities,

   accomplishments & success or the ability to 

   connect with others in a genuine way,

   can't live peacefully

RECOVERY NEEDS: To  work through the anger

   to get to the enormous hurt, sorrow &

   loneliness underneath, learn to negotiate

   instead of rebelling or fighting, sobriety

STRENGTHS : Ability to see reality, has good 

   insight, less denial, more straightforward, can 

   read people, sense of humor, close to ones 

   feelings, courageous

❧ LOST CHILD

PURPOSE: To not cause family any additional

   burden, bringing some relief by not making waves

DEFENSES: Quiet, aloof, 'invisible', overweight,

   bulimic or anorectic, under-employed, super-

   independent, depressed / suicidal, easily feels

   rejected. Buried in books, internet, church

DEFICITS: Unable to initiate, withdrawn, lack

   of direction, fear of making decisions, ignored,

   forgotten, follows without question, hard time

   seeing choices / options

EMOTIONS: “Why should I feel? It’s better I 

   don’t”.  Loneliness, rejection, fear, sadness, 

   suppressed anger, hurt, depression

COST TO SELF: Afraid to express need & wants 

   including need for personal connections, has

   social phobia so stays invisible but feels ignored 

   & unappreciated, hard to get credit for abilities,

   may become suicidal

RECOVERY NEEDS: To reach out, deal with 

   loneliness, face one's pain, make a few deep 

   relationships, give up victim position

STRENGTHS : Patient, creative, independent, 

   scholarly, detail-oriented, flexible, able to

   follow, easy going, quiet, understanding

❧ MASCOT

PURPOSE: To lighten the heavy painful 

   atmosphere of the family by being funny,

   silly, a way to cover up the depth of the  

   family pain &  sickness 

DEFENSES: Immaturity, clowning, humor,

   hyper-activity, being super-cute, making

   fun of self, become an actor, do anything

   to get attention, act dumb, addictions

DEFICITS: Attention seeker, distracting,

   immature, difficulty focusing, poor

   decision making ability, superficial

EMOTIONS: “I must take their pain away”. 

   Loneliness, confusion, insecurity, fear,  

   sadness, pain

COST TO SELF: Denies all painful emotions

   which may later show up as illness, denies 

   the right to know the true self, to be

   competent or to ever be taken seriously

RECOVERY NEEDS: To take responsibility,

   risk being serious and to being taken

   seriously, learn assertiveness, learn

   something in depth, feel all emotions

STRENGTHS : Humor, knows how to play &

   enjoy, quick witted & witty, entertaining, 

   adaptable, brings joy to others, flexible

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