Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists



IN MY relationships, either I or the other person....

... give advice but have difficulty taking it

... have trouble reaching out or asking for support

... give orders; demand & expect too much from the other

... try to get ever (tit for tat)

... tend to be critical & judgmental

... withhold from the other what need or want

... make, & then break promises

... smother, caretake, over-nurture the other

... patronize &/or intimidate the other

... make decisions for the other

... discount the other’s problem-solving ability

--- have difficulty admitting mistakes or saying ‘I’m sorry’

... give indirect, evasive answers to questions

... manipulate (uses the other to get needs met, indirectly

... attack when the other is vulnerable

... present an “I don’t need you” attitude

... threaten, bully, emotionally blackmail

... hold grudges, am bitter, have a self-righteous attitude

... use verbal &/or physical abuse

... always have to win, have to be right

... use aggression, claiming it’s assertion

... show stubborn resistance, stay set in own way

... defend any of the above behaviors & attitudes

   ACoAs become involved in addictive relationships (over & over)
   in a desperate attempt to get our needs met - by someone else - 
   & to feel safe & loved.  It can be with family members, friends, 
   bosses, co-workers... not just lovers.
   Instead, we lose ourselves, we lose control & sometimes, for a 
   while, we lose our minds - by giving our personal power away

  are symptoms of this 
  They are unsuccessful / 
  unhealthy attempts to  
  regain our power, to
  be in better control, 
  BUT from outside of 
  ourselves (like being 
  These patterns never 
  actually empower us   
  because they’re 
  indirect, dishonest,  
  abusive to others & we
  never cultivate what is 
  real & permanent - our 
  own Inner Power!

Lack of nurturing and attention when young
Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
Attempt to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately
Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
Confusion of sexual attraction with love  (Love at first sight)
Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
Defining "wants" as "needs"
Depressed, Hidden Pain
Driven, desperate, frantic personality
Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
Existence of a secret "double life"
Facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family  
Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a person
Highly manipulative and controlling of others
Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love, attachment/ need)
Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, 
            on a par with food and water
Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems 
Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
Tendency to leave one relationship for another (unable to be alone) 
Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
Using others,  sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
  Traditionally our culture 
  had glorified this 
  addiction as if it were 
  not only the ideal but 
  It’s based on the myth   
  that each of us has a   
  ‘soul mate’ we need to 
  find & then we can ‘live 
  happily ever after’. 

  This denies the hard 
  work, focused attention  
  & groundwork that all 
  relationships require.

  This addiction is a 
  painful, very serious 
  affliction, which often 
  leads to suicide, murder, 
  stalking, rape & other 
  ‘crimes of passion’.
   Also, read ‘FACING LOVE    
   ADDICTION’ by Pia Melodyhttp://www.recover-man.comshapeimage_7_link_0
LOVE >>Love.htmlshapeimage_9_link_0
SEX & LOVE ADDICTS QsSex_%26_Love_Addicts_Questionnaire.html

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   POWER PLAYS of addictive ‘love’
INTIMACY ANTIDOTESIntimacy_Antidotes.html
POWER PLAYS’, Brenda Schaeffer , Hazelden ’86