ANTIDOTEs         to Toxic Intimacy

“After Self-intimacy, intimacy with a mate is

  the most nourishing part of life. A sign of that

  intimacy is the sharing of similar need-patterns

  & life-styles. This mutual satisfaction of needs

  help each to accept commitment without a

  sense of sacrifice or deprivation.”

“When we’re interested in the growth of an

   intimate other, the most effective way of

   expressing this, as well as avoiding the

   ‘helpfulness’ toxic game, is to stand out of the

   way & not impede the experimentation & self-

   initiating process of the other person.”

“Choosing to relate on an intimate level

  means giving up the eternal ‘shoulds’ & other

  manipulations intended to force ourselves &

  others to act out of duty  obligation.  To the

  degree that we demand that the other do his

  duty or meet obligations, we eliminate

  potential intimacy in the relationship.”

“The process of developing & maintaining an

  Intimacy Of Two is not easy but can be made

  less difficult by not wasting time in using

  gimmicks & playing toxic games.”

“In discovering a nourishing lifestyle, there

  are no should about how or with whom we

  relate.  Multiple relationships, two-person

  pairing or lack of interest in intimate relating

  of any kind - are a matter of personal need &


  This doesn’t mean we can indulge in various  

  types of uninhibited gratification of our needs

  indiscriminately, without paying a price.”

“Human beings can only give their full

  attention to one activity at a time, one

  experience at a time, one person at a time.”

“In an Intimacy of Two, the relationship may

  not always be the center of one person’s focus,

  but nourishing people are aware when their

  actions or attention to their own needs may be

  toxic to their mate & therefore harmful to the


“Choosing a one-to-one intimacy means

  accepting one’s own feelings of frustration &

  resentment when we limit our freedom &

  sexual availability to others.”


  See clearly the reality (& the symptoms) of

  toxic patterns in our relationships.  Wanting

  to change can lead to new possibilities


  To change we must initiate new behaviors. It

  takes two - a speaker & a listener. Letting our

  Intimate Other know our dissatisfaction & fears

  is risky but necessary. Without this info the

  other cannot know what’s wrong or what’s



  Taking a definite (not hostile) stand against

  continuing toxic patterns, with or without our

  partner’s co-operation. These antidotes work

  best when both people own their part & want

  to work on change.

  The stronger our own sense of identity & the

  deeper our intimacy with ourselves, the greater

  the potential for a growing, enduring intimate

  connection with another.

  Without self-trust (basic to the Intimate Self) , 

  things we fear most  (like abandonment) are

  the very things we’re likely to create.

LOVE ADDICTIONLove_Addiction.html

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“Intimacy with one’s self is basic to all

  intimate relating with others. Intimacy with

  oneself grows from within.  Only you can give

  yourself this inner acceptance.”

“Positive Intimacy with yourself (even with

  things you don’t like)  is the only relationship

  you’ll have your life for sure.”

“In self-intimacy, you discover the way of  

  self-esteem as you move thru life. You don’t

  always have to grow or need more intimacy.

  These are options, not musts.”

“In an Intimacy of Two, you need to be able

  to let them fully express their true self & enjoy

  that. You can only do that when you first have

  that experience with yourself.”

“The effective use of the yes-no process is

  basic to healthy interactions & a distinctive

  feature of the intimate self.”

“When you don’t say YES you lose your self-

  initiating actions which you need to provide  

  yourself with emotional nourishment.  When 

  you don’t say NO, you fail to protect yourself

  against toxic intrusions by others.”

“A clear signal that there’s a danger to your

  healthy self is when you get a strong sense of

  ‘I won’t tolerate this’  or ‘This will be

   devastating to me.’ ”

“If you’re intimate with yourself, your

  attitudes & actions show you’re taking care of

  yourself, so you won’t  burden anyone else

  with that job.”

“All of us can grow toward greater love & 

  more acceptance of ourselves,  & can achieve

  greater intimacy, regardless of our age.”

“Growth & change emerge spontaneously &

  freely in creative intimacy, without ‘shoulds’ 

  or other demands upon ourselves.

  You have a right to choose what to share with

  a mate & what to keep private.”

❦ “Only you know whether you feel a true

  connection of intimacy with another. No one

  can say that for you. Only you know how much

  you care for & are dependent on another for

  emotional satisfaction & the sense of

  specialness felt between the two of you.”

“The stability & permanence of a couple is in

  direct proportion to the feeling of personal

  growth & mutual connectedness experienced by

  each partner.”

“We cannot satisfy some of our needs alone

  & must depend on another person.”   

“An Intimacy of Two acknowledges the

  priorities of being together. Their availability

  to each other takes precedence over their

  availability in other adult relationships.”

“Self-trust is required to value the power that

  nourishing interactions have in building a

  solid foundation needed for a lasting bond.”

“Gaining awareness of toxic patterns in our  

  intimate relating means being willing to face

  the pain of disappointment or rejection when

  we discover that the relationship is not what

  we had hoped for”.

“If we listen to our senses when we meet

  someone, more often than not, we can know

  within a few hours whether or not there is a

  potential for real intimacy”.

Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists

TOXIC INTIMACYToxic_Intimacy.html
CREATIVE INTIMACY,  Dr. Jerry Greenwald, pgs 21-23