1. 1. If you love me you’ll fill the gaps of my unmet needs. When I feel insecure I expect you to free me from whatever anxiety I’m unable to cope with on my own. After all, what’s a relationship for if I can’t expect you to take care of me?

  1. 2.Once you tell me you love me I have the right to certain expectations.  If you love me you’re obligated to me in various ways. Our relationship is now different from what it was the moment before you declared your love. Now there are things you owe me that you didn’t before. There are also things you no longer have the right to do without my consent.

  1. 3.A declaration of love for another automatically means the surrender of one’s individual freedom.

   ‘BILL of  RIGHTS’

  1. 4. If you love me you’re not supposed to reject me

   in any way.

  1. 5. You are not supposed to fall out of love.  This is frowned on, not because of the sadness of a lost relationship, but because of the implication that it’s a bad, shameful thing to do to another person.

  1. 6. Emotions & feelings are like water flowing from a faucet & can be turned on & off if the person really wants to.  If you have stopped loving me you did it deliberately, so you’re hurtful & cruel.

  1. 7.Intimacy equals Permanency & Permanency means 

  that an Intimate Relationship exists. The poetry &

  prose of our culture is filled with promises of  

  ‘forever-ness’, as if one has the right to view an   

  intimate love relationship as an unalterable state.

              REJECTING                                                  INTIMATE


  I feel unloving & rejecting toward myself when I’m

  in touch with those part of me I don’t like


  New experiences make me feel anxious & fearful

  that I’ll discover things that I’ll find unacceptable

  Even if I’m full of discontent & frustration, I’d

  rather leave well enough alone for fear that

  knowing myself better will only make things worse

  I’m afraid that deep within me there are dreadful

  thoughts & impulses that might emerge & destroy

  me or isolate me from others


   I spend my time & energy looking for someone to

  take over the responsibility of taking care of me &

  my needs

  I shut myself down when I become aware of some

  unfamiliar thought or emotion emerging that

  might make me uncomfortable

   I feel guilty when I’m not willing to share parts of

  myself with even my most Intimate Other

  I try to manipulate others into solving my problems

  to relieve my frustrations & anxieties

  I keep hoping that I can get others to love & 

  approve of me, so that in turn I’ll be able to love &

  accept myself

  I often wait passively for external stimulation or

  other people to relieve my boredom & make my life

  more exciting

  I love & accept myself even though I am aware that  

  I want to change some of my attitudes & behaviors

  I feel elation & excitement when I discover things

  about myself I wasn’t aware of before

  I’m interested in expanding my own awareness of

  myself, in my quest for greater intimacy


  I believe there’s no thought, emotion or impulse

  within me, however upsetting, that can shake my

  self-esteem & sense of self-control

  I can take better care of myself & my needs than

  anyone else can, no matter how loving they may be

  I allow my thoughts & feelings to emerge into my

  full awareness

  I’m comfortable with whatever thoughts & feelings

  I will share with others & which ones I will not

  I’m in touch with my inner resources & strengths, &

  I turn to those to resolve my anxieties, conflicts &


  My quest for greater intimacy is centered in my

  own growing acceptance of myself as lovable

  I feel eager to initiate activities & thereby take

  responsibility for generating new experiences that

  may be growth-enhancing

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TOXIC INTIMACYToxic_Intimacy.html

Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists

FALSE EXPECTATIONSFalse_Expectations.html