○ It’s ok to fight - everyone has disappointments
○ If people are fighting - everyone else stay out of it
○ Stick to the agenda - whatever the specific topic is
○ Deal only with the present - the past is over
○ Say what you’re feeling at the time you’re feeling it
○ Only one person speaks at a time
○ Use ‘I’ sentences, never ‘you...’ Only speak for yourself
○ No name calling or other personalized attacks
○ Speak only for yourself - no carrying messages for another
○ No physical fighting. It’s not fair since someone is
always stronger
○ If you don’t tell how you feel at the time, don’t assume
the other person knows what you want, need, feel...
○ Ask the other person what their behavior mean - don’t
assume you know (mind-read) - don’t interpret actions,
gestures, glances ...
○ Tell the other person specifically what you want them to
do or say more of, not just what they should stop doing
○ Use trade-offs (compromises) when there’s a differing of
opinions or needs
○ Work toward resolution of an issue right then, when
possible - don’t leave disagreements hanging
○ But - it’s ok to table a specific unresolved issue until the
next day (or make an appointment) if the people
involved are sick, very upset or tired, or just can’t
figure out a solution by themselves
○ No argument should go on for more than 20- 30 minutes.
If it does, set up another time to continue it, to come
to a compromise or a resolution
○ Find a competent mediator to help if all else fails
ANGER - Healthy
PURPOSE
of Healthy Anger is TO:
❧ ‘burn off’ physical energy
❧ deal with frustration
❧ deal with overwhelm
❧ enhance emotional intimacy
❧ express hurt
❧ express needs
❧ express values (righteous anger)
❧ get someone’s attention
❧ keep connected to another
❧ motivate to healthy action
❧ protect against/stop abuse
❧ stop being shamed by someone
INAPPROPRIATE USES - TO:
❧ control (power over others)
❧ create guilt in another
❧ demean someone
❧ get ones own way (manipulate)
❧ just to get attention
❧ protect against others needs,
emotions, requests (push away)
❧ punish someone
❧ put up a wall (false boundary)
❧ make separation hurt less
❧ stave off abandonment
❧ to isolate (cover up fear)
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Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists