It’s ok to fight - everyone has disappointments

  ○ If  people are fighting - everyone else stay out of it

  ○ Stick to the agenda - whatever the specific topic is

  ○ Deal only with the present - the past is over

  ○ Say what you’re feeling at the time you’re feeling it

  ○ Only one person speaks at a time

  ○ Use ‘I’ sentences, never ‘you...’ Only speak for yourself

  ○ No name calling or other personalized attacks

  ○ Speak only for yourself - no carrying messages for another

  ○ No physical fighting.  It’s not fair since someone is

       always stronger

  ○ If you don’t tell how you feel at the time, don’t assume
       the other person knows what you want, need, feel...

  ○ Ask the other person what their behavior mean - don’t

      assume you know (mind-read) - don’t interpret actions,   

      gestures, glances ...

  ○ Tell the other person specifically what you want them to

      do or say more of, not just what they should stop doing

  ○ Use trade-offs (compromises) when there’s a differing of

       opinions or needs

  ○ Work toward resolution of an issue right then, when         

      possible - don’t leave disagreements hanging

  ○ But - it’s ok to table a specific unresolved issue until the

      next day (or make an appointment) if the people

      involved are sick, very upset or tired,  or just can’t

      figure out a solution by themselves

  ○ No argument should go on for more than 20- 30 minutes.

      If it does, set up another time to continue it, to come

      to a compromise or a resolution

  ○ Find a competent mediator to help if all else fails

ANGER  - Healthy

 A few rules for FIGHTING FAIR!


  of Healthy Anger is TO:


  ❧burn off’ physical energy

  ❧ deal with frustration

  ❧ deal with overwhelm

  ❧ enhance emotional intimacy

  ❧ express hurt

  ❧ express needs

  ❧ express values (righteous anger)

  ❧ get someone’s attention

  ❧ keep connected to another

  ❧ motivate to healthy action

  ❧ protect against/stop abuse

  ❧ stop being shamed by someone


timing - as soon as you’re aware OR at a more
     appropriate time for both of you
reality - when something is truly wrong, not just   
     an over-reaction  (verify what happened)
safety - be sure the location is appropriate & 
     the person is receptive & reasonable
self-esteem - any time someone tries to stifle  
    your emotions (say: I don’t ‘should’ on myself, 
    Don’t tell me not to cry....
danger - if you sense or know the other is capable 
    of verbal &/or physical violence
enraged - if the other (OR you) is visibly out of 
    control, don’t say ‘Calm down’.  Logic never 
    works at that point, so back off 
• provocative -when it’s clear the other wants to  
    pick a fight, don’t engage!
irrational - if the other doesn’t make any sense, 
    is just projecting, is using any chemical...

             Healthy Anger
communication - keep focus on what & why   
    something bothers you
assertiveness - stand up for yourself, say: 
    I feel, I want, I can’t stand when, I love....
• permission - your emotions (not always your 
    assumptions) are your truth & sense of self
clarity - say what you mean & use emotion  
    words: (hurt, glad, sorry, mad, excited, 
calmly - try to talk in an even tone, & come  
     from your Inner Adult ‘voice’
aggression - don’t blame, point fingers (YOU are,  
    YOU did, YOU should...)
labeling - don’t tell others what’s wrong with 
    them (YOUR problem is that...)
sulking - don’t pout, withdraw, expect your mind 
    to be read...
arguing - don’t waste time trying to convince 
    others of your point if they don’t want to know
insulting - don’t belittle others because they 
    disagree or won’t argue with you


  ❧ control (power over others)

  ❧ create guilt in another

  ❧ demean someone

  ❧ get ones own way (manipulate)

  ❧ just to get attention

  ❧ protect against others needs,

     emotions, requests (push away)

  ❧ punish someone

  ❧ put up a wall (false boundary)

  ❧ make separation hurt less

  ❧ stave off abandonment

  ❧ to isolate (cover up fear)


EFFECTIVE RESPONSESEffective_Responses.html

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 ANGER  QUIZAnger.html