HEAD GAMES
Home • SITE MAP • About Me • ACoA Traits • Article • Books • Boundaries • Co-Dependence • Course • Decisions • Definitions • Effective Responses • Emotions • Family Roles • Friends • Healthy Rules • Inner Child • Links • Love • Recovery • Relationships • Toxic Rules • Trust
DOUBLE MESSAGES given to CoAs (Children of Alcoholics) -
putting them in DOUBLE BINDS
▼ COMPETENT - INCOMPETENT
DM: “You never do anything right!....Take care of me, you know what I need”
“You’ll never amount to anything...Stay home & do everything for us”
As children, CoAs first get their MSW, & their Birth Certificate - later! Even the
youngest learns to be psychologist, nurse, house keeper/ cook, substitute parent,
researcher, confessor... but only for the parents, not for themselves
DB : As adults , ACoAs never trust their own knowledge, intuition or experience - always
waiting for others to find out they’re a ‘fraud’ - because they couldn’t FIX the family
AND at the same time taking care of everyone else, personally &/or professionally,
often with great skill & success. But this is not owned!
▼ LOVE & REJECTION
DM: “I love you, don’t bother me” - (come here - go away)
“I love you when you play the piano, I hate you when you play the piano”
DB : As adults ACoAs are attracted to any type of relationship in which they’re seduced
(drawn in) then rejected / abused, because they equate love with being pushed away
▼ COUNT ON ME - I DISAPPOINT
DM : “I’ll be there for you...next time (I promise)”
“I’ll take care of it for you...when I feel like it (if ever)”
Alcoholic/ narcissistic parents want all the credit for their good intentions AND don’t
want their neglect to count (be held against them/ nor held accountable).
DB : As adults, ACoAs learn to not want/ expect anything ever, & deny their needs
OR expect too much all the time (can’t stand to be disappointed - again).
They find relationships with others who constantly promise & then let them down
▼ ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH - I DON’T WANT TO KNOW
DM : “ Never lie, but only tell me what I want to hear”
“I never lie, I only say what’s convenient or to CMA (cover my a--)”
Truth is just an ideal, a religious teaching, a childhood rule BUT lying is the reality
- for the child to not get punished & for the parents, to ‘get over’ or people-please
DB : As adults ACoAs lie automatically, about themselves & about even the smallest
unimportant fact (without guilt), don’t know what the truth is or who they really are
▼ EVERYTHING IS FINE - IT’S ALL HOPELESS
DM : Verbally - child is told all is well & maybe made to look great to the ‘public’ BUT the
inside atmosphere is one of anxiety, depression, rage & hopelessness. Nothing is alright -
some complain all the time, some suffer in silence
DB : As adults ACoAs suffer from distortions in seeing reality, believing they’re powerless
over their life, often emotionally depressed & mentally confused OR adopt a pollyanna
false self - where nothing is dangerous or out of their control (grandiosity & counter-phobia)
Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists