To take responsibility is to admit you

  did or did not - do, feel, think or say - 

  something.  No more, No less. 

  But self-hate adds a deeply held belief :

  “I did / didn’t do, feel, say...something,

  and therefore I’m bad!

       To be healthy, one has to continually 

  eliminate that second part!


  This is exclusively based on Unconditional 

  Love !  Our self-esteem is in direct

  proportion to how much we accept, love & 

  respect ourself - not on how others treat us 

  or what they think of us.


  1. its a defense mechanism - defending against 

   very specific pain -- the pain of all

   the M, P, E, & S abandonments we were   

   subjected to in childhood.

  1. it’s therefore a coping mechanism to deal with being powerless in a bad environment

   BY giving a child a false sense of power!

Here why - S-H Says:

  1. a) Everything bad that happened to me as

     a  kid  - was my fault.

  1. b)Therefore - I should have been able to change things in order to stop my pain - & theirs. It was totally up to me!

  2. c)I tried everything I could think of - I tried

    to change myself and I tried to help / fix

   ‘them’ - but nothing worked!

  1. d)So I feel like a double failure & hate

    myself even more.

   Why does every child believe their

   suffering was their fault?
a) family, school, religion, peers -- said it
all children naturally believe that 

   “everything is about me”.  This is normal

   grandiosity. It compensates for the reality

   of the child’s powerlessness & vulnerability.

  So, being mistreated would of course be

  their fault & it would make sense that

  children look for ways to ‘make things

  better’, no matter how hopeless.

  To survive  - they must try!


  A very painful emotion caused by each

  need which was made

  fun of, neglected or

  punished, as a kid.  In

  the present, when

  that need surfaces

  (doesn’t  have be

  conscious) then

  we experience shame. The I.C. is drowning

  in it. It paralyzes &  makes one isolate.

  It is debilitating.

      So - every day  - give yourself permission 

  to have  ALL of your NEEDS.  Also, how you

  meet them & who you go to for help -

  must be improved.

T. E. A. 

  Thoughts / Emotions  / Actions

  Whenever anyone is talking  (no matter

  the subject) - note which of these 3

  categories is being highlighted.

  (T) “She doesn’t seem to like me.  I 

              wonder what I did wrong.”   

  (E) “I can’t stand the guy!  He always 

              bugs me.”       

  (A) “We went skiing in Vermont last

              winter & I got hurt”. 

  Good communication depends on clarity

  of thinking & emotional balance. Knowing

  which category is being focused on will

  allow you to respond appropriately and  

  to have a better chance at being heard !


  ACoAs tend to under-estimate how long

  thing actually  take - trying to do several

  things at once or don’t allow enough time

  for each task.

  This will always lead to frustration &

  failure! RULE: assume everything takes

  2 to 3 X longer than you planned.  If 

  it ends up being less time - you win twice!

  In case you think things will take toooo

  long, set a timer- take the action & then

  check.  Keep a record of the reality. 

  When a simple task takes longer than 

  seems logical,  then you are in some kind

  of Internal Conflict about the action. 

  Resolve that & the rest is easy.


  Focus on 2 things:

a)  what you truly know

  about the other person you

  feel unsure about. Think about what you 

  have learned about them, based on your

  experience, not what you want them to

  be, and then weigh their pluses against

  any minuses.

b)  what are your thoughts & emotions

  before, during & after being with

  them. What does your gut tell you. 

  Listen to it! Do you consistently feel a

  certain way afterwards?  It’s not them

  you need to trust,  but YOURSELF.

   Keep saying : “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW”


Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists