DYSFUNCTIONS

1. 1.TERRIBLE MONEY MANAGEMENT
   

   • ‘love-buy’ - overspend on gifts, tips, treats

   • under earn - don’t focus on own career & talent   

   • compulsive debting - credit cards, chronic 

       borrowing, not repaying

   • if supported - uses partner as unlimited bank,

      runs up big tabs everywhere, never pays for 

      anything

   • planning - won’t plan for own financial future,

       worries, but hopes for ‘magic fixes’

2. 2.EATING DISORDERS
   

   • Stuff pain - eat to sedate rage & other emotions

   • Rebel - don’t eat to signal rage at critical,    

      demanding parents, mate or children

3. 3.CHRONIC PHYSICAL AILMENTS
   

   • Lethargy - general malaise, avoids self-care &

       doctors, overwhelmed from over-doing for others

   • Illnesses - real, but chronic or sequential (heart,   

       obesity, ulcers, constipation, pain of head, back....

4. 4.DEPRESSION
   

   • Biochemical - alcoholism, pills, heredity, foods...

   •  Psychological - feel worthless, unloved, great    

     disappointment & resentment at needs not being met

5. 5.SEXUAL PROBLEMS
   

   • Women - total lack of desire; refuse to respond

      sexually; never initiate;  undermined mate’s sense

      of adequacy & skill

   • Men - lack of interest; refusal to ejaculate to show

       being in control; refuse to attend to mate’s

       sexual desires / needs

   • Infidelity - extramarital affairs or promiscuity;     

       phone/ internet sex; physical aggression

6. 6.SUICIDE TREATS or ATTEMPTS
   

   • To frighten- express rage at feeling abandoned, 

       but expect sympathy - Attempts by teens / young  

       adults: 90% are females, only 20% die

   • Danger of death - all attempts need to be taken

      seriously, even if only done as a gesture, because it

      may actually go wrong.  Also, they may keep trying

      until the succeed

7. 7.VIOLENCE
   

   • Intense need for control - blow up when they get

       too frustrated, for too long, or don’t get their way,

       or become overwhelmed

   • Victims of ‘Nice People‘ - usually dependent

       young children; older ones when they try to pull 

       away or get outside help...

   • Reaction - unpredictable temper tantrums   - 

       throwing things, shredding clothes, storming out

       with threats to never return...

CHARACTERISTICS

✶ BASIC FEARS:

    • of self-reflection

    •  of being abandoned

✶ GREAT DESIRE:

   • to be loved- but believe not worthy

✶ UNDERLYING ISSUES:

   • feel inadequate, not entitled, self-hating

   • shame-bound, always assume rejection

   • not allowed to be assertive or angry

✶ WELL-BEHAVED, But ALSO:

   • shy, fussy, thin skinned, hard to please

   • insecure, withdrawn, moody, depressed

   • cranky, critical, unforgiving

   • indirectly cruel, attacking, vengeful

✶ SHOWS ANGER INDIRECTLY:

   • passive, helpless, dependent, hopeless

   • illness, manipulate, guilt-trip, drop hints

   • negative, always dissatisfied, bottomless pit

   • silent treatment, withdraw affection, withhold sex

✶ COVER-UPS  (Defenses)

   a. The Helper - with strings

1. •do & give too much: time, energy, worry, $$, gifts
   

2. •sympathy only for underdogs, listen to all their woes
   

3. •too involved with/concerned for anyone suffering
   

   b. Submerged Identity

1. • never asks for own needs, suffers in silence
   

2. • weak boundaries,  fear of authority
   

3. • tolerate many indignities
   

4. • only do what others want
   

✶ PAY-OFFS (for using defenses)

   a. Superiority

1. •Admired - as martyr, ‘good guy’, saint, ‘spiritual’
   

2. •One-up - need others to be needy, sick, dependent
   

  b. Controlling

1. •Emotional blackmail, to keep others fearful, attached
   

2. •Demand their own way - ‘nice’ is only superficial
   

3. •Destroy ‘loved ones’, if they try to be free, happy
   

   c. Punishing

     • The receiver of help must

--always provide affection & total attention

--have unquestioning, bling loyalty

     • If Receiver objects, withdraws, rebels

--Giver sees R. as selfish, ungrateful, abusive

--giver feels justified, morally superior

             (“After all I’ve done for you...”)