The Nonviolent Communication Model:

Marshall Rosenberg, in his groundbreaking book Nonviolent Communication (NVC), introduced a model for expressing needs in healthy relationships :

1. 1.Observation: Communicate clearly by describing what you hear or see, what you like or dislike, without judgment, evaluation or blame : “John,  I notice that your clothes are on the floor”
   

2. 2.Feeling: Share your emotions about the action or pattern you observe, so that you are ‘known’ by the other e.g. “I feel hurt, scared, happy or angry”
   

3. 3.Need: Your needs indicate what your values are, and how they are connected to the observation.  e.g. “John, I notice that your clothes are on the floor, and I feel irritated because I have a need for a clean house.” Important:  note that the need is not about John picking up his clothes.
   

Because needs are an expression of our values that are important to us, they tend to be broader & and more general, such as, “I need to feel appreciated”; “I need to be professional and on time”; or “I have a need to be honest and open with those I love”.

4. 4.Request: Lastly, make a request for change - it’s something you want from the other that would enrich your life. So the last part of the example might be “John, I would really appreciate it if you would pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry.”
   

You can also use it in reverse - to deepen your empathy & connection with your partner. Use the four steps to sense what your partner might be Observing, Feeling and Needing - which you might be able to provide, by thinking of what might enrich their life, using #4 as a question.  The 4 steps could be a wonderful way to deepen your relationship, as well as communicating your needs in a way that you can truly be heard.

1.We lack a sense of wholeness of self; we define

    ourselves as ok or not ok by the external

    reactions of others

2. We react to others from a one down position, 

     fearful of being found out

3. We fear what  might happen for being different;   

     we either avoid anger & upset in others by

     silence or compliance, OR provoke rejection by

     exaggerating our differences

4. We feel we must earn our self-worth, constantly

    looking for the approval of others & judging

    ourselves harshly when we don’t succeed

5. We don’t trust those who seem to be part of

    the heterosexual majority & anyone who’s in a

    one-down position

6. We don’t take a stand or make a commitment  

     easily, fearful of increasing our sense of

     vulnerability; we often go in & out of coming

    from opposing positions

7. We don’t allow ourselves spontaneity,

     constantly on guard against possible attack

8. We don’t know how to engage in give-&-take  

     relationships, unsure what we have to give, &

     desperately needing what might be offered

9. We need to feel in control of others’ reactions & 

     don’t feel ok with changes from outside sources

10. 10.We don’t know how to express a full range of  
    

     emotions, being used to suppressing their

     outward expression, or else exaggerating

     distortions of our true feelings

11. 11.We pride ourselves in creating consistencies
    

     or in resolving difficulties for others

12. 12.We feel over-responsible for others, glad to
    

     help, but avoid asking for help ourselves

13. 13.We turn to compulsive rituals to promote the illusion of control, thereby suppressing the
    

     pain of not belonging

14. 14.We don’t know the meaning of intimacy;  we 
    

      confuse our gratitude of others’ approval

      with love