❖... expecting to get unconditional love
from any human. It’s unrealistic, but
we demand in anyway & when we
don’t get it we accuse them of
abandoning us!
❖...saying we have forgiven our family,
as if it were an intellectual decision,
make once & for ever, which could
wipe out all of the damage they
inflicted, & all of our pain.
❖...getting over our rage, so we don’t
have to feel it any more OR not
having any more fear, terror, worry
- when we get ‘really healthy’
❖...thinking that if only we were well
enough we’d never get hurt, upset
over-react or feel crazy WHEN we’re
with active, abusive, narcissistic,
unavailable people
❖...not about Never hurting anyone
else, ever again - as if recovery
implied attaining sainthood
❖...about fulfilling every promise we
made to ourselves or expectations of
‘life’ we hoped for as a kid - to
compensate for & cope with - the
traumas we had to live through
RECOVERY
❧...understanding, now, that in most relationships
each person has their own needs. Since our parents
couldn’t give us unconditional love, when it would
have been appropriate, we can only look for it now
from our pets & Higher Power.
❧...knowing that forgiveness is a gift from H.P. - a
‘letting go’ - as a result of our willingness to do
recovery work to clean out old emotional wounds.
Forgiveness is the end product of that work rather
than a decision we can make without healing our rage
& pain. PROOF : when one tries to ‘will’ forgiveness
& then think it’s all behind them - later that
unresolved pain will bite them in the butt.
AND some abuses are un-forgivable! But we still
have to let go - of being a victim of our own rage.
❧...knowing that we’ll always have some vestiges of
the old pain, fear, rage, shame & abandonment hurt,
BUT it doesn’t have to control us. We find new way
to deal with those emotions - let them out in safe
places & ways & learn to accept & comfort ourselves.
Separating internally from the bad voice & externally
from harmful people can bring up fear & depression.
❧...knowing that with healing we do become less
devastated by abuse BUT the healthier one is, the
less one will tolerate b.s. & bad behavior It just
becomes totally unacceptable, but now we know we
didn’t cause it & we don’t deserve it!
❧...knowing that taking care of oneself instead of
rescuing others may make some people feel angry,
scared, abandoned, resentful - & may accuse us of
being selfish, superior or cruel. ONLY those who are
unwilling to take care of themselves will react this
way. It’s essential to remember we are not
responsible for the emotional well-being of other
adults.
❧...knowing that IT is a series of surprises, since our
attitudes, choices & goal will change in recovery.
Childhood choices were useful then, but now our
decisions need to be made in the service of our
growth, knowing they’ll go counter to what’s
familiar. Now we chose thoughts & actions that will
give us a fuller, happier life.
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Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists