☯ ENJOYMENT
this is not allowed - life is only about
disappointment & suffering. Relaxation,
vacation & fun are only for others ('Work is
never done') Also, we must never be happier
than one’s parents or siblings
OR to compensate - become addicted to
stress & danger (adrenalin / fear) as the only
form of excitement possible
☯ EXCITEMENT
an addiction to extremes, especially the
adrenalin rush of dangerous people & stressful
situations, considering calm living as boring!
☯ FAULT
everything is our fault, even when we have no
control over a person or situation (narcissistic
point of view), OR nothing is our fault - it’s
always someone else who is the problem
☯ EXPECTATIONS (unrealistic)
too much OR not enough - not able to allow
self or others to have both strength &
weakness or to weigh their plusses against
minuses, BUT also don’t hold people to
acceptable standards, ie. to be responsible,
respectful, caring, capable, thoughtful -
toward us
☯ GIFTS
not allowed to receive them - don't deserve
any & also for fear of being obligated. Not
knowing what to give others from family not
being accepting, not good at observing &
evaluating others’ tastes, & from fear of
being rejected
☯ GUILT
the emotion experienced when doing
something wrong ie. breaking any deeply
held belief. So, everything is our own fault,
especially the alcoholism. Creates great fear
of disobeying family rules, no matter how
harmful or ridiculous we know them to be!
☯ IDENTITY
low self-esteem, harsh & judgmental, negative
about everything, feeling like a fraud, feeling
different from everyone else, not knowing
who we are (no matter how accomplished) !
☯ MIND READING
convinced we know what others need or are
thinking, esp. about us, and expecting them
to know what we need - without telling them -
to prove that they really care
SYMPTOMS:
‘Laundry List’ of ACoA Characteristics
☯ ACTIONS
compulsive activity - keep very busy to numb
emotions, to prove we’re not incompetent, to
deal with anxiety OR afraid to act - fear of
making a mistake, make the wrong choice, not
allowed to know what what we want, fear of
disapproval / rejection
☯ ANGER, RAGE
difficulty expressing it, fear of rocking the
boat, of being rejected, of losing control --
deny anger at abuse & neglect in childhood
OR always in a rage about something, easily
set off, overreact to normal circumstance,
take everything personally
☯ APPROVAL
obsessed with getting & maintaining it, focus
always on appearance & what others think,
bottomless well of neediness, nothing is ever
enough, BUT not recognizing or accepting when
approval, admiration & respect are received
☯ AUTHORITY
fear of being dominated, resent being told
what to do, not trusting anyone's competence
to lead, compulsive need to disobey, rebel
OR put bosses, teachers, doctors...on
pedestals & expect them to be substitute
‘good parents’
☯ BOUNDARIES
putting up walls to keep everyone out as a
false sense of protection, often leading to
isolation OR indiscriminately letting everyone
in, be a doormat, easily manipulated, allow
others to take advantage, give ones power
over to anyone, esp if they seem to be nice,
smart, ‘functional’, attentive
☯ COMPLAINING
constantly finding fault, with everything &
everyone, nothing is ever enough, someone is
always making ones life miserable; also - not
allowed to enjoy life, fear that we’ll jinx it
if we get excited about anything
☯ CONFUSION
is a mental, not emotional experience:
having contradictory thoughts, opinions,
desires, beliefs - about something - without
being able to (allowed) know ones own
preferences, or to evaluate all sides of
rationally in order to choose the best one for
the situation & ones own needs
Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists
Home • SITE MAP • About Me • ACoA Traits • Article • Books • Boundaries • Co-Dependence • Course • Decisions • Definitions • Effective Responses • Emotions • Family Roles • Friends • Healthy Rules • Inner Child • Links • Love • Recovery • Relationships • Toxic Rules • Trust
