Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists
✥ For anyone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual or
transgendered (GLBT), coming out is a process
of understanding, accepting, and valuing your
sexual orientation/identity. It means coming to
come to terms with what it means to be
different in a society that tends to assume
everyone is heterosexual, and judges
differences from the norm in negative ways.
✥ Coming out is a continuing, sometimes
lifelong, process. Because positive role models
are often difficult to identify, you may feel
alone and unsure of yourself.
This process includes exploring your identity,
sharing that with others, and coping with
societal responses & attitudes toward LGBT
people. Fear of rejection is greater among
LGBT people due to the prejudices in society
against them.
➼ In coming, consider the following:
•Think about what you want to say and choose the time and place carefully.
•Be aware of what the other person is going through. The best time for you might not be the best time for someone else.
•Present yourself honestly and remind the other person that you are the same individual you were yesterday.
•Be prepared for an initially negative reaction from some people. Do not forget that it took time for you to come to terms with your sexuality, and that it is important to give others the time they need.
•Have friends lined up to talk with you later about what happened.
•Don’t give up hope if you don’t initially get the reaction you wanted. Due to inculcated societal prejudices mentioned earlier, some people need more time than others to come to terms with what they have heard.
✥ Above all, be careful not to let your self-
esteem depend so much on the approval of
others. If a person rejects you & refuses to
work on acceptance, that’s not your fault.
Keep in mind that their initial refusal may get
reversed once the person gets used to the idea
that you are LGBT.
If their attitude never changes, you may want
to re-evaluate your relationship and its
importance to you. Remember that you have
the right to be who you are, you have the
right to be out and open about all important
aspects of your identity including your sexual
orientation, & in no case is another person’s
rejection evidence of your lack of value.
RELATIONSHIPS
Gays & Lesbians
1. We lack a sense of wholeness of self; we define
ourselves as ok or not ok by the external
reactions of others
2. We react to others from a one down position,
fearful of being found out
3. We fear what might happen for being different;
we either avoid anger & upset in others by
silence or compliance, OR provoke rejection by
exaggerating our differences
4. We feel we must earn our self-worth, constantly
looking for the approval of others & judging
ourselves harshly when we don’t succeed
5. We don’t trust those who seem to be part of
the heterosexual majority & anyone who’s in a
one-down position
6. We don’t take a stand or make a commitment
easily, fearful of increasing our sense of
vulnerability; we often go in & out of coming
from opposing positions
7. We don’t allow ourselves spontaneity,
constantly on guard against possible attack
8. We don’t know how to engage in give-&-take
relationships, unsure what we have to give, &
desperately needing what might be offered
9. We need to feel in control of others’ reactions &
don’t feel ok with changes from outside sources
10.We don’t know how to express a full range of
emotions, being used to suppressing their
outward expression, or else exaggerating
distortions of our true feelings
11.We pride ourselves in creating consistencies
or in resolving difficulties for others
12.We feel over-responsible for others, glad to
help, but avoid asking for help ourselves
13.We turn to compulsive rituals to promote the illusion of control, thereby suppressing the
pain of not belonging
14.We don’t know the meaning of intimacy; we
confuse our gratitude of others’ approval
with love
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