DEFINITIONS
❧ RESPONSIBILITY vs SELF-HATE
To take responsibility is to admit you
did or did not - do, feel, think or say -
something. No more, No less.
But self-hate adds a deeply held belief :
“I did / didn’t do, feel, say...something,
and therefore I’m bad!
To be healthy, one has to continually
eliminate that second part!
❧ SELF-ESTEEM
This is exclusively based on Unconditional
Love ! Our self-esteem is in direct
proportion to how much we accept, love &
respect ourself - not on how others treat us
or what they think of us.
❧ SELF - HATE (S-H)
•its a defense mechanism - defending against
very specific pain -- the pain of all
the M, P, E, & S abandonments we were
subjected to in childhood.
•it’s therefore a coping mechanism to deal with being powerless in a bad environment
BY giving a child a false sense of power!
Here why - S-H Says:
a) Everything bad that happened to me as
a kid - was my fault.
b)Therefore - I should have been able to change things in order to stop my pain - & theirs. It was totally up to me!
c)I tried everything I could think of - I tried
to change myself and I tried to help / fix
‘them’ - but nothing worked!
d)So I feel like a double failure & hate
myself even more.
Why does every child believe their
suffering was their fault?
a) family, school, religion, peers -- said it
b) all children naturally believe that
“everything is about me”. This is normal
grandiosity. It compensates for the reality
of the child’s powerlessness & vulnerability.
So, being mistreated would of course be
their fault & it would make sense that
children look for ways to ‘make things
better’, no matter how hopeless.
To survive - they must try!
❧ SHAME
A very painful emotion caused by each
need which was made
fun of, neglected or
punished, as a kid. In
the present, when
that need surfaces
(doesn’t have be
conscious) then
we experience shame. The I.C. is drowning
in it. It paralyzes & makes one isolate.
It is debilitating.
So - every day - give yourself permission
to have ALL of your NEEDS. Also, how you
meet them & who you go to for help -
must be improved.
❧ T. E. A.
Thoughts / Emotions / Actions
Whenever anyone is talking (no matter
the subject) - note which of these 3
categories is being highlighted.
(T) “She doesn’t seem to like me. I
wonder what I did wrong.”
(E) “I can’t stand the guy! He always
bugs me.”
(A) “We went skiing in Vermont last
winter & I got hurt”.
Good communication depends on clarity
of thinking & emotional balance. Knowing
which category is being focused on will
allow you to respond appropriately and
to have a better chance at being heard !
❧ TIME
ACoAs tend to under-estimate how long
thing actually take - trying to do several
things at once or don’t allow enough time
for each task.
This will always lead to frustration &
failure! RULE: assume everything takes
2 to 3 X longer than you planned. If
it ends up being less time - you win twice!
In case you think things will take toooo
long, set a timer- take the action & then
check. Keep a record of the reality.
When a simple task takes longer than
seems logical, then you are in some kind
of Internal Conflict about the action.
Resolve that & the rest is easy.
❧ TRUST
Focus on 2 things:
a) what you truly know
about the other person you
feel unsure about. Think about what you
have learned about them, based on your
experience, not what you want them to
be, and then weigh their pluses against
any minuses.
b) what are your thoughts & emotions
before, during & after being with
them. What does your gut tell you.
Listen to it! Do you consistently feel a
certain way afterwards? It’s not them
you need to trust, but YOURSELF.
Keep saying : “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW”
Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists
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